Nothing
Read on AO3 Rating:
Mature
Archive Warnings:
Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Category:
Gen
Fandom:
Original Work
Characters:
Original Characters, Original Male Character(s), Original Female Character(s)
Additional Tags:
How Do I Tag, genuinely help, anyway, read the tags for trigger warnings, spoiler in tags, Angst, (maybe), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Child Abuse, Abuse, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Flashbacks, Panic Attacks, Blood, Blood and Injury, Blood and Gore, Blood and Violence, Dead People, Graphic Description of Corpses, Decapitation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Notes, References to Lovejoy (Band), Implied/Referenced Lovejoy (Band), last tag is a joke for my friend, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Tagging, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Quoted Suicide Notes, I think that's everything????, be careful anyway, I wrote this for school, No beta we die like Arin, No Beta, well kinda but they didn't correct anything they were just like, yeah this is v cool, except theyre wrong
Language:
English
Stats:
Published: 2023-04-25
Words: 1,696
Chapters: 1/1
Summary:
Arin takes a walk and... stuff... happens....
Read the tags for tw/cw
Notes:
READ THE TAGS FOR TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNINGS
I wrote this for school, Tumblr moots, HI, this is definitely not a reflection of my mental health
Step. Breathe. Step. Breathe. Step. Breathe.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Calm down. Don't think. Just breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In, out, in, out, in out in out in out in out. Stop. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Hold. Breathe in. Breathe out. Walk. Just walk.
"Birds" I said "trees, flats, gravel, concrete." Feeling calmer and more grounded, I walked on.
"Wind, the bus, a car alarm, my phone" I continued, "burning tyres, toasted bread, petrol."
"You alright Arin?" A voice called from the bus stop. I turned around and let out a breath of relief I hadn't realised I was holding. It was just Arthur, my 80 year old neighbour.
"Yeah, I'm fine" I called back, hoping he wouldn't catch the lie. As I hurried on, I realised that this was the ninth time this had happened this month. As I pushed that thought to the back of my mind I pulled out my phone. 14:08, April 8th. Three missed calls from Dad. 7 unread messages from 1 chat.
I ignored the messages and sat down on my bench before opening Finch.
How are you feeling right now? It asked. I just had a panic attack. Take a wild stab in the dark. I thought as I chose the saddest option. My screen went dark briefly, reflecting the tears on my face. No wonder Arthur asked if I was okay. As Larry and his adorable cowboy hat illuminated the screen, my face brightened, and I clicked first aid choosing anxiety breathing. Breathe in, hold, 1, breathe out. It went on like this for three minutes, before I felt much calmer and decided to check the messages from the group chat.
Tracy:
OH MY GOD
STUDIO 4 CAME OUT
ARE YOU ALRIGHT BUT ACOUSTIC OMG
IT'S SO GOOD OML
YOU NEED TO GO LISTEN
Jamal:
I'm listening to it rn
It's so good omg
Lovejoytwt is broken omg
Jonathan:
Get a life my god
It's only Lovejoy lmao
Tracy:
Shut.
Up.
No-one asked for your input xoxo <3
Jonathan:
Like who asked and cares tho
OH my god
You did not just interrupt me
Oh. My god.
Florence:
Help
Rebecca just passed
REBECCA
Help help help help help help
it's fine they're gone now nvm
Me:
haha L
RE: Tracy: STUDIO 4 CAME OUT
Wait frfr omg
Ima listen to it later omg
Feeling much calmer now, I turned off my phone and got up. I left the shade of the tree, and blinked as I was greeted by the full force of the afternoon sun. I started to walk towards the town, smiling at the memories this path brought. My first time riding a bike. Getting an ice cream from the new shop. My first shopping trip with mum. My thirteenth birthday. Oh god, my thirteenth birthday. My vision began to fade and I sat down as quickly as I could, resting against the wall. Oh god my thirteenth birthday. . . . .
"Where the hell is she?" He demanded, "She said she'd be here over an hour ago. I swear, if she's tried to run again…" I sat in the corner, afraid of what my dad might do. He hadn't been this mad since my mum tried to leave on her birthday. I made to go upstairs but he stopped me.
"Where do you think you're going?" He spat, "You're not leaving till I've found where she's hiding." "She'll be around here somewhere " he muttered.
It went black.
It was one in the morning and I was still hidden in the corner, too afraid to leave. Waiting for her to get back. I heard a yell.
"Arin!" He called, "get down here. Right. Now." I was frozen. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak.
"Now" he yelled, louder than ever. It did nothing, I was paralyzed.
"If you don't get down here now…" he said, quieter. Making the statement all the more terrifying. Like a shadow you can feel, or a voice trying to control you. I felt spiders crawl over me but no matter where I looked or hit they were still there. There were masses of them. I was writhing in pain. The shadows loomed around me. The voices in my head chanted louder and louder. The shadows grew arms and legs. I could feel them behind me. I tried to sit up. I tried to ignore the pain. I tried to ignore the cold seeping into my bones. I tried to ignore the deep sense of wrong invading my mind. I tried to ignore the voices. I tried to escape. I was trapped.
Footsteps thudded up the steps. A door swung open, the sound echoing like a gunshot. The footsteps grew louder. They shot through me like a wound.
"Arin. Get off the floor now." A cold, quiet, sharp voice said. I couldn't move.
"Now." It said, piercing me like a knife. Blood. My vision went red. Blood pouring over my eyes like a curtain. I couldn't feel anything. Just a dull ache in my ear.
Crack. My ribs ached as my shirt grew red and wet. I couldn't move. I couldn't feel. I couldn't think.
My
vision
went
dark
Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Calm.
"Bricks, concrete, weeds, cigarettes, bins. Birds, wind, footsteps, shouting. Beer, food, smoke, my jeans, the wall. Blood." I said, grounding myself.
I picked myself up off the floor, still shaking, and noticed a box peeking out the ground. As I walked over to investigate, I realised that I'd seen this box before, when I'd hidden in the wardrobe, back when I was 7. I moved all the dirt and grass off the box and lifted it up. It was heavy, about twice the size of a shoe box and extremely rusty. It was cold to the touch. I opened the lid, a loud screech echoed around me. I looked inside the box and saw several photos. They seemed to have been taken on a Polaroid camera. I picked them up to take a closer look. As I looked at the photos, I realised they were all of my mum. I didn't have any photos of her, my dad had burnt them all and forced me to delete any I had on my phone. I saw my mum talking to friends, at the beach, getting married, after she found out she was pregnant. In all the photos with her friends she seemed much happier, but there seemed to be less and less, until they stopped entirely. I pocketed the photos for later, so I had something to remember her by.
Looking into the box once again, I noticed a cloth over a large mound. I lifted the fabric and stared back in horror. Blank, unseeing eyes stared back at me. Pale skin, creased with time, held it together. My mum's head looked at me, unseeing and unthinking. I froze with disgust and fear. The stench of rotting flesh hit me and I gagged. What kind of monster could do this? Leave my mum's corpse rotting in a box? I put the cloth back and closed the lid. It was too much. I just couldn't do it anymore.
I turned, deciding I couldn't face anyone, not like this. I walked towards the river. Opening my notes, I started typing.
Hello, I hope someone is listening.
There used to be days that I thought I was okay, or at least that I was going to be. We'd be hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit right and I would think 'it will be okay if it can just be like this forever' but of course nothing can ever stay just how it is forever.
I don't want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me. Just try. Find yourself a better friend.
When I am dead, and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain drenched hair,
Tho you should lean above me broken hearted,
I shall not care.
For I shall have peace.
As leafey trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough.
And I shall be more silent and cold hearted Than you are now
In the case of suicide, people think that no fight was involved they merely think that the person couldn't take it and felt weak. They forget all the mental struggles the person faced because they were invisible and sometimes unspoken and unexposed to anyone. This attitude of society is wrong.
For whom I should live. I am not worth living. Who am I?
I love something and left it..didn't made effort to get it
I loved people and left it
People loved me and i hurt them
I m not worth anything
Isn't it better to just die. I hope death is easy
just like a switch..you turn it off..complete darkness
nothing to see then
Healthy in body and mind, I end my life before pitiless old age which has taken from me my pleasures and joys one after another; and which has been stripping me of my physical and mental powers, can paralyse my energy and break my will, making me a burden to myself and to others
I am going to put myself to sleep now for a bit longer than usual. Call it Eternity
I just got tired of dealing with dishonourable garbage.
As I watch it burn around me,
As I watch it collapse around me,
As I watch it fail around me,
As I watch it burn, collapse, fail,
As I watch the world suffer,
I suffer.
Love always,
Arin
As I reached the bridge, I sat and thought. I sent my location and password to Tracy, opened the note again, and locked my phone. I shuffled over to the edge, and dangled my legs over the bridge. I can't do anything. It's over. I can't fix this. It can't end. There isn't a way out. I'm trapped. I can never leave. I can never tell anyone. There is nothing I can do.
I pushed forwards.
It's
over.
There
isn't
a
way
out.
There is nothing I can do.
Black.
Silence.
Emptiness.
Nothing.
Memories, gone.
Thoughts, erased.
Everything, over.
Nothing.
Notes: So um yeahhhhh Btw I submitted this to my English teacher, so lock in your vote as to whether I'll be spoken to or sent to pupil support or both or neither also lmk what u think ^^ (this took me like 1½ months I think idekkkk
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Calm down. Don't think. Just breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In, out, in, out, in out in out in out in out. Stop. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Hold. Breathe in. Breathe out. Walk. Just walk.
"Birds" I said "trees, flats, gravel, concrete." Feeling calmer and more grounded, I walked on.
"Wind, the bus, a car alarm, my phone" I continued, "burning tyres, toasted bread, petrol."
"You alright Arin?" A voice called from the bus stop. I turned around and let out a breath of relief I hadn't realised I was holding. It was just Arthur, my 80 year old neighbour.
"Yeah, I'm fine" I called back, hoping he wouldn't catch the lie. As I hurried on, I realised that this was the ninth time this had happened this month. As I pushed that thought to the back of my mind I pulled out my phone. 14:08, April 8th. Three missed calls from Dad. 7 unread messages from 1 chat.
I ignored the messages and sat down on my bench before opening Finch.
How are you feeling right now? It asked. I just had a panic attack. Take a wild stab in the dark. I thought as I chose the saddest option. My screen went dark briefly, reflecting the tears on my face. No wonder Arthur asked if I was okay. As Larry and his adorable cowboy hat illuminated the screen, my face brightened, and I clicked first aid choosing anxiety breathing. Breathe in, hold, 1, breathe out. It went on like this for three minutes, before I felt much calmer and decided to check the messages from the group chat.
Tracy:
OH MY GOD
STUDIO 4 CAME OUT
ARE YOU ALRIGHT BUT ACOUSTIC OMG
IT'S SO GOOD OML
YOU NEED TO GO LISTEN
Jamal:
I'm listening to it rn
It's so good omg
Lovejoytwt is broken omg
Jonathan:
Get a life my god
It's only Lovejoy lmao
Tracy:
Shut.
Up.
No-one asked for your input xoxo <3
Jonathan:
Like who asked and cares tho
OH my god
You did not just interrupt me
Oh. My god.
Florence:
Help
Rebecca just passed
REBECCA
Help help help help help help
it's fine they're gone now nvm
haha L
RE: Tracy: STUDIO 4 CAME OUT
Wait frfr omg
Ima listen to it later omg
Feeling much calmer now, I turned off my phone and got up. I left the shade of the tree, and blinked as I was greeted by the full force of the afternoon sun. I started to walk towards the town, smiling at the memories this path brought. My first time riding a bike. Getting an ice cream from the new shop. My first shopping trip with mum. My thirteenth birthday. Oh god, my thirteenth birthday. My vision began to fade and I sat down as quickly as I could, resting against the wall. Oh god my thirteenth birthday. . . . .
"Where the hell is she?" He demanded, "She said she'd be here over an hour ago. I swear, if she's tried to run again…" I sat in the corner, afraid of what my dad might do. He hadn't been this mad since my mum tried to leave on her birthday. I made to go upstairs but he stopped me.
"Where do you think you're going?" He spat, "You're not leaving till I've found where she's hiding." "She'll be around here somewhere " he muttered.
It went black.
It was one in the morning and I was still hidden in the corner, too afraid to leave. Waiting for her to get back. I heard a yell.
"Arin!" He called, "get down here. Right. Now." I was frozen. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak.
"Now" he yelled, louder than ever. It did nothing, I was paralyzed.
"If you don't get down here now…" he said, quieter. Making the statement all the more terrifying. Like a shadow you can feel, or a voice trying to control you. I felt spiders crawl over me but no matter where I looked or hit they were still there. There were masses of them. I was writhing in pain. The shadows loomed around me. The voices in my head chanted louder and louder. The shadows grew arms and legs. I could feel them behind me. I tried to sit up. I tried to ignore the pain. I tried to ignore the cold seeping into my bones. I tried to ignore the deep sense of wrong invading my mind. I tried to ignore the voices. I tried to escape. I was trapped.
Footsteps thudded up the steps. A door swung open, the sound echoing like a gunshot. The footsteps grew louder. They shot through me like a wound.
"Arin. Get off the floor now." A cold, quiet, sharp voice said. I couldn't move.
"Now." It said, piercing me like a knife. Blood. My vision went red. Blood pouring over my eyes like a curtain. I couldn't feel anything. Just a dull ache in my ear.
Crack. My ribs ached as my shirt grew red and wet. I couldn't move. I couldn't feel. I couldn't think.
My
vision
went
dark
Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Calm.
"Bricks, concrete, weeds, cigarettes, bins. Birds, wind, footsteps, shouting. Beer, food, smoke, my jeans, the wall. Blood." I said, grounding myself.
I picked myself up off the floor, still shaking, and noticed a box peeking out the ground. As I walked over to investigate, I realised that I'd seen this box before, when I'd hidden in the wardrobe, back when I was 7. I moved all the dirt and grass off the box and lifted it up. It was heavy, about twice the size of a shoe box and extremely rusty. It was cold to the touch. I opened the lid, a loud screech echoed around me. I looked inside the box and saw several photos. They seemed to have been taken on a Polaroid camera. I picked them up to take a closer look. As I looked at the photos, I realised they were all of my mum. I didn't have any photos of her, my dad had burnt them all and forced me to delete any I had on my phone. I saw my mum talking to friends, at the beach, getting married, after she found out she was pregnant. In all the photos with her friends she seemed much happier, but there seemed to be less and less, until they stopped entirely. I pocketed the photos for later, so I had something to remember her by.
Looking into the box once again, I noticed a cloth over a large mound. I lifted the fabric and stared back in horror. Blank, unseeing eyes stared back at me. Pale skin, creased with time, held it together. My mum's head looked at me, unseeing and unthinking. I froze with disgust and fear. The stench of rotting flesh hit me and I gagged. What kind of monster could do this? Leave my mum's corpse rotting in a box? I put the cloth back and closed the lid. It was too much. I just couldn't do it anymore.
I turned, deciding I couldn't face anyone, not like this. I walked towards the river. Opening my notes, I started typing.
Hello, I hope someone is listening.
There used to be days that I thought I was okay, or at least that I was going to be. We'd be hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit right and I would think 'it will be okay if it can just be like this forever' but of course nothing can ever stay just how it is forever.
I don't want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me. Just try. Find yourself a better friend.
When I am dead, and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain drenched hair,
Tho you should lean above me broken hearted,
I shall not care.
For I shall have peace.
As leafey trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough.
And I shall be more silent and cold hearted Than you are now
In the case of suicide, people think that no fight was involved they merely think that the person couldn't take it and felt weak. They forget all the mental struggles the person faced because they were invisible and sometimes unspoken and unexposed to anyone. This attitude of society is wrong.
For whom I should live. I am not worth living. Who am I?
I love something and left it..didn't made effort to get it
I loved people and left it
People loved me and i hurt them
I m not worth anything
Isn't it better to just die. I hope death is easy
just like a switch..you turn it off..complete darkness
nothing to see then
Healthy in body and mind, I end my life before pitiless old age which has taken from me my pleasures and joys one after another; and which has been stripping me of my physical and mental powers, can paralyse my energy and break my will, making me a burden to myself and to others
I am going to put myself to sleep now for a bit longer than usual. Call it Eternity
I just got tired of dealing with dishonourable garbage.
As I watch it burn around me,
As I watch it collapse around me,
As I watch it fail around me,
As I watch it burn, collapse, fail,
As I watch the world suffer,
I suffer.
Love always,
Arin
As I reached the bridge, I sat and thought. I sent my location and password to Tracy, opened the note again, and locked my phone. I shuffled over to the edge, and dangled my legs over the bridge. I can't do anything. It's over. I can't fix this. It can't end. There isn't a way out. I'm trapped. I can never leave. I can never tell anyone. There is nothing I can do.
I pushed forwards.
It's
over.
There
isn't
a
way
out.
There is nothing I can do.
Black.
Silence.
Emptiness.
Nothing.
Memories, gone.
Thoughts, erased.
Everything, over.
Nothing.
Notes: So um yeahhhhh Btw I submitted this to my English teacher, so lock in your vote as to whether I'll be spoken to or sent to pupil support or both or neither also lmk what u think ^^ (this took me like 1½ months I think idekkkk